


13 Reasons Why-Malec

by Luvingtheshadowhunters



Series: 13 Reasons why [1]
Category: The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: 13 reasons why, And I accidentally orphaned it here, And on Fanfiction, At least read it first, But it's my story, F/M, Freeform, Frustrated! Magnus, Here's your tape, I did already post this here, If you want to tell me i am, Im not romantisizing it, Im not trying to, M/M, Morbid! Alec, SO, Sad! Alec, Shadowhunters - Freeform, Suicide, yeah - Freeform, yes - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-12
Updated: 2017-08-20
Packaged: 2018-12-14 14:14:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11784861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Luvingtheshadowhunters/pseuds/Luvingtheshadowhunters
Summary: Alec's note- In this story, you'll find out the thirteen reasons why I ended my life. I hope you won't be too upset. You didn't seem to care that much when I was alive.





	1. Chapter 1

_Alec's note: Hi. I'm Alec Lightwood. In a few hours, you will be able to read the first of the thirteen reasons why I killed myself_


	2. Tape 1, Side A

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec's Note: Welcome back. It's time for the beginning of my story. Or the ending I guess, depending on how you wanna look at it..

School has recently become a constant state of overwhelming feelings. When another student dies, the school shakes. As if an earthquake has wasn't a natural disaster though. A boy I had started to care about killed himself.

I walk through the hallways, away from the gym and that awful assembly to my car a few days later, looking around and still hearing the whispers. I see signs. Suicide is not the answer. Talk to somone. A permanent solution to a temporary problem. All the wonderful phrases you hear when these things happen. I scowl at the signs.

I see a few miserable looking people and I can't help also feeling anger at them. Who were they to be sad? They didn't really know Alec Lightwood. No one did, they didn't take the time to try. I keep my thoughts away from the possibility that if I had tried a little harder maybe he'd still be alive. I had tried my best.

I just want move on at this point. That's what was supposed to happen when there is a disaster, natural or other wise. The initial shock should dim and the disappointment at no longer seeing Alec in his usual place should fade. The signs should be grafitied, they are trash anyway.

The only moving on we seemed to have accomplished as a whole is the progression of cruel jokes. I have gone by people who seem to think the situation is hilarious. That was one half the school. The other half continue to pretend to be upset. I haven't decided which is worse.

When I finally make it home after this long, long day, I find a package on my frontstep. Just my name on it next to other crossed out names I couldn't make out. No return adress. Curiously, I take it up to my room and set it on my bed.

Usually I'd be getting ready for a party at this point. Recent events of course, didn't really have me in the party mood. And I seriously doubt the Lightwood's are throwing their usual party tonight.

Once I change and find a box cutter, I sit beside it to examine it. It doesn't seem to be dangerous. Just a vans shoe box taped tightly shut. Huh.

I cut the tape off and open it to find one, two, three.. Seven Cassettes. Cassettes? Who listened to cassettes anymore? I sigh, slightly disappointed, but still curious. They were to me, so something interesting is on them.

"Mom!" I call. Thirty seconds later, my mother stands in the doorway. "What is it honey?" She has a phone in her hand, obviously on a buisness call. "Do we have a cassette playyer?" Mom doesn't look happy I interrupted her with something she probably finds so unimportant. But it wouldn't matter when I try to talk to her, she's never not on the phone.

"Uh.." She thinks quickly, already backing out of the room. "Check the garage maybe?" Then she's gone.

I do as she instructs, entering the dusty room on the far side of the house. We don't use it for cars as intended, more like a storage unit. Which is why I go in thinking I'd probably be in here searching an hour for a small device that may or may not exist.

I'm pleasantly surprised when my eyes quickly find an old radio sitting against the opposite room. Cassette in hand, I go over and kneel in front of it. I insert it into the slot, Tape 1 Side A side up. That label, in strangly familiar glittery nail polish, on the top right corner of it seemed to be a pretty good indicator of it's status as the first in the mystery series.

There was no hesitation in pressing play. A chill runs through me as Alexander Lightwood's voice fills the garage.

_'Hi. It's Alec Lightwood. Live and in sterio. No return engagements,no encore. And this time, absolutely no request._

_I guess, you could call these my.. no. I can't say it yet. Maybe that means I haven't completely excepted this as my fate yet. And maybe that means by the end of this, I will change my mind. I'll go into the living room without ever hitting thirteen and return to my day to day life as if I never considered taking the pills that now sit on my dresser. If you're listening to this though, that isn't what happened.'_

I almost smash the pause button when the door opens, my breath coming out in small burst. "Magnus?" I turn to see my mom in the door way. "What are you listening to?"

At first my mind doesn't register her words, Alec's still echoing through my head. I think I snap out of it just in time for her not start worrying to much. "Sorry um.." My eyes go from the radio, back to her. "School project."

Mom gives me a suspicious look, but after a moment shrugs it off. "I just wanted to tell yout that dinner is in an hour." I wave her off. "Oh yeah.. yeah.. okay." "And.." She bites her lip and I raise my eyebrows. She leans against the doorway.

"I'm sorry I've been so busy lately.. Just with this whole Alec thing-" "Alec?" I interrupt, the box of casettes heavy in my hands. Mom crosses her arms, nodding. "Yeah, Alexander Lightwood. Did you know him?" I hold back my disbelieving look. Of course. Alec had been over quite a few times to hang out. There was no reason to remind her though. It didn't really matter anymore.

I slowly nod. "Oh!" Mom's focus, seemingly devided before, seems to narrow in just on me for the first time in a while. "How?" I frown. "More, I knew of him I guess." I backtracking, lying and adding to it with a small shrug. Disappointed, my mother seems to deflate a little "Why?" I bite my lip.

Though Mom had withdrawn back into herself, she answers me. "One of my clients is trying to file a case against the school for bullying. They think what happened to the Lightwood boy may help. My eyes narrow. So she just wanted to know if I could help her make Alec another point in one of her lawsuits. And not only that.. I had been telling her for years about people at my school. How they called me a fag. I didn't care. But you could tell Alec did, when they did it to him. But I had already told her all this. It only mattered now that someone had killed themselves.

I grab the radio and stand, walking past her. "What?" She calls, confused. I shake my head. Wasn't worth it. "Nothing Mom. I'm just tired." I get to my room. "And I need to finish this project." "But-" "And I'm not hungry. Love you, talk to you in the morning." I close the door quickly before she can respond. And click the play button again before I can stop myself. I find it being much harder then the first time. This had to be a joke.

 _Shocked? Shy, little Alec Lightwood calling people out? Don't be. This isn't for me. Ever heard of the butterfly effect?'_ I had heard of that. _'If not, it's a theory that basically states that when a butterfly flaps it's wings on one side of the world it can cause a typhoon on the other. Or that every little decision and action sets the course for another. If you are on these tapes, you're part of the butterfly effect that led to my death. And I don't want you to end up being part of anyone else's._

 _The words on this tape are put in an order specifically designed to make you uncomfortable._ They do. _So if you do, good. But wait! I hope you haven't turned them off yet. You won't want to once you hear the rules for my game. Yes, game. Because once you get to a certain point, that's all that life becomes. A game and a joke that you can always guess the punch line too.'_  I think of the jokes the people were making in the hallways earlier that had Alec as the punch line and think of the irony.

 _'The rules are actually quite simple. One, listen to them all the way through. Two, rewind them and pass them on to the person after your tape.'_  He wants me to inflict the feelings that came with listening to these onto someone one else?

 _Or.. You could just throw them away._ That thought had occurred to me. _Never pass them on and forget about them, me and your mistakes forever. That'd be the easy thing to do. I'll never know, I'm dead._  I flinch.

 _Or will I? I've made a second set of these tapes in which I've given to somebody I trust. They're watching.'_ I glance over my shoulder at this, as if said person would be sitting with me on my bed.' _If the tapes are not passed on that set will be released. What could that mean for you?'_ I'm not sure what that could mean for me. It couldn't be anything to bad. I was nothing but friendly to Alec was I? What did I do to deserve to be on these tapes?

_'If I wanted this to be easy, I would have just sent it to you over MP3 or something. Casettes are kinda strange these days, arnt they? They make people question what you could be listening to. So. If you want this to stay between the fifteen of us, pass on the tapes. And don't get caught. Without further ado, Jace. This is your tape._

_Jace Herondale._ ' Woah Jace? ' _Jace Lightwood since you've been adopted. You came to our house at seven, when I was nine. I didn't really know how to talk to you at first. I didn't really know how to talk to anyone, but especially you._ 'You knew how to talk to me. You were awkward, but it was perfect.

 _'At the time I had had a few fleeting thoughts about being with boys. But I was a child, and even in our generation, gay wasn't really a thing. Boys liked girls, girls like boys. Maybe homophobia will be gone one day._ ' Maybe, I think bitterly. _'But it's a big part of these tapes. Big surprise. Gay boy is bullied. Kills himself. Ha. Perfect Hollywood story'_ Yes _._ Go on about how hilarious you are Alexander.

 _'Regardless,once you came, the thoughts increased. You're beautiful Jace and you know it._ 'If nothing else on these tapes is true..' _I didn't know what they meant. As I grew older, I never voiced them. Boys didn't like other boys, so I ignored the feelings._

 _Even if I knew these things, I didn't know just how 'bad' it is to be gay in this world until I was thirteen. When an asian boy,'_ My heart stops.' _I'm sure yhall know of who I'm talking about but again that's for later, came out in the eighth grade. He didn't really care what people thought. That didn't stop them though. And I knew I wouldn't be able to handle it._

 _When I was fifteen however, I took a leap of faith. You were my brother. I could trust you to help me. So I told you. First that I was gay, to which I couldn't really read your reaction. Then. I told you how I felt about you. And you told me I was disgusting._ 'I knew there was something there. First with the feelings. Then with the tention between them. I shoud've known the tention was about that.'

_"We're fucking brothers Alec!" "I know-" You wern't gonna listen to me had made up your mind and couldn't have my weird thoughts interfering with your life._

_"You're gross," You told me. "It'd be one thing if you were just gay, but even that.. You know what Ro-" Well. I'll get to why and from who you got -your- homophobia later. He's got his own tape._

_But you don't know how much that hurt me Jace. You're right, you are my brother. And my best friend. I don't want these feelings. I mean, I didn't. There gone now, just so you know. And not just cause I'm dead. Because they wern't ever really there._

_I just wanted your help to understand what was going on. I have found out on my own though, it was all just my own strange way of dealing with things. I just wanted an excuse not to face my sexuality._

_You made me feel like a monster and were one of the many who abandoned me. Which brings us to tape two'_

Alec's voice stops and I take the tape out.


	3. Tape 1, Side B

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec's note: The second tape then. Caught your attention? Glad I finally could

The light shining in through my window from the setting sun glinted off the plastic on the tape. Do I want to? No. Do I have too? I think so. Yes. I take a shaky breath before putting the tape back in so the second side would play.

' _Clary.'_ Didn't see that coming. ' _My first friend when I moved here. You were pretty new too. You're mom made you move here a few months before I did for her new job. You had aready made a friend, but he was only here on the weekends at the time. A nerdy boy in a band who owned too many Hottopic shirts, and had an intense love for video games and anime. But he's got his own story.'_ I frown, are you talking about Simon Lewis? How could he possibly play into this?

' _For now, I'm gonna tell the story of our friendship Clary. It is still, technically, intact.'_ Really, cause I never saw you two together. ' _Or at least it was before I died.'_ Thank you Alec for stating the obvious and just making this worse. ' _You still say hi to me to me if we happen to walk close enough together to make eye contact in the hall.'_ Wow, what a close friend ship. Though, I guess that is the point. I feel slight anger building inside me as the tapes play, unlocking secrets that otherwise would be gone forever. Putting people in a new light and showing their true colors. Why did people have to be so cruel? I remember I'm on the tapes though and kill that train of thought. Apparently, I have no room to judge.

' _Or if you come to see Jace. Once upon a time, you and me were almost inseperable. We saw each other every day. If there was a group project, we looked at each other before the teacher even finished their sentence like in movies.'_  Aww, now that I think about it, they did work together a lot last year. At least at the beginning of the year.

' _Every day after school, we met at a restaurant called Takis. You probably know of it and where it is. If not, follow your map to E5.'_

I just stare at the map for a moment, contemplating. Alexander was the one who shoved it in my locker a week ago. The bell had rung and I stuffed it in my bag for later further examination.

By the time I got home, I had piled the days papers and my notebook on top of it and forgotten. This went on for a week until a few minutes ago. I dug it out. Now, in all it's glory, it lay before me crumpled and ripped in a few places. Just like most of the homework I bothered to turn in. It never failed to piss his teachers off and get him five points taken off.

Red stars and paths littered the map. The places specified were in line with Alec's tapes I presume. E5 he had said. I can't believe he actually had taken the time to draw out cordinates, as if traveling by sea and not suburban street. Maybe he had beem stalling, trying to find it in himself not to do it. Maybe that's what this entire process was. Stalling.

Thinking of it like that made me want to throw out both the tapes and the maps. But of course I don't.

I get up, carrying the shoebox with me and putting the map in my pocket. "I'm going out," I scream to my mom. She appears in the door way however before I can escape, eyebrows furrowed. "Where are you going?"

"Raphael's." I wasn't lying. That is my first stop. I know for a fact he has a portable tape player, I have seen it in his room before, and I want to listen to the rest of the tapes away from here. Takis maybe. Just anywhere but here.

I hold up the shoebox. "We have a project we're working on. I might end up spending the night so don't wait up." She nods, not looking completely convinced. "Okay," She says anyways. "Just call me so I know you got there safe." I nod. "K. Love you." The door slams shut behind me.

I avoid puddles, not wanting to get my beautiful sandalls ruined, shivering as the cold night air hits my bare arms. I should have grabbed a jacket, but it's too late now.

I know the way to Raphael's pretty well, despite not being there in a while. At least a month or two. I'm surprised to find him outside, perching gingerly on his motorcycle and just looking up at the stars. When he sees me, he smiles.

"Bane. Where have you been?" I shrug, not really having an answer. I've just been around. Raphael's eyes scope my body and if I didn't know any better, I'd say he was checking me out. But he was just a observant person, he was weighing the situation. "Anything I can help you with?"

I lean against the basketball goal not to far from him. "Yeah actually." I see no reason he can't know I'm listening to tapes in general.. If he happens to be on the tapes.. well he already knows anyway. He just hopefully wouldn't try to have a heart to heart with me. I don't know if I will ever be ready to discuss the tapes outloud. "I was wondering if you a had a portable tape player. Something like a walkman. You seem like the kind of person who may still have one." I know he does of course.

Raphael raises his eyebrows. "Strange request. But it just so happens I do." He opens a small leather pouch that was attached to the side of his motorcycle, digging around in it for a moment. He pulls out the device holding it out to me. "Thanks," I place it in my pocket after wrapping the plastic yellow headphones around it. He nods. "Yeah. No problem. May I ask what you're listening to? Anything I would know."

I shift posistions, rubbing my arm. "No, I don't think so. Just some old random songs my mom put on them. I haven't even listened to them myself." Raphael nods, still scanning me. "Interesting." I stand up straight, just wanting to get out of here now. "See you tomorrow at school?" He nods. "Yeah. See ya."

I wave before turning and heading towards Takis. My relief to be rid of Raphael's piercing gaze didn't last long once the cafe was within my sight. I can imagine Alexander and Clary laughing and walking through those doors, school bags slung over there shoulders.

I have to force myself to walk through those same doors. A smiling girl who looks around my age greets me, name tag saying Kailee. Once I order a water, I unwind the headphones and place the tape inside my newly borrowed item. I press play.

' _When you walk in the door, someone greets you from a pedistal type thing to the right. Then booths line the walls on either side all the way back till the kitchen. A few tables are scattered in the middle, but no one sits there.'_ It is true. The tables in the center of the room are completely deserted. I sit in a booth on the right, closest to the kitchen.

' _You, I and later Jordan, sat in a booth directly in the middle of the left row. You ordered fries everyday without fail. I either ordered a sweet tea or a vanilla milkshake. Jordan usually had a hamburger._

_We met there and laughed and talked for an hour or two then went home only to repeat the next was my crutch in a school of strangers and gave me a break from my sucky home life._

_You knew my parents fought a lot. When it got too bad, you let me sneak through your window and stay with you for the night. Your mom would have killed you if she had ever found out. But you still let me. And my life got much better for those months._

_Then I invited you over to my house to work on the group project for Mrs. Jones. You, Jordan and I usually went to your house, but your mom had a headache. Jordan's parents didn't like me fore reasons I know yet.  
When Jace saw you, I didn't know it was the beginning of the end. I did know he thought you were hot. And I knew you were attracted to him. But who wasn't?' _I mentally raise my hand as my water arrives.

_'Let me make this clear. I had no problem with this. I want nothing more then for both of you to be happy. Jace is my brother,no matter what he's said and done to me. You are my friend. Even if you completely abandoned me._

_Jordan and I ended up doing most of that project by ourselves that night._

_The next day when we all went to Takis, you told me about how much you liked Jace. I smiled and nodded, telling you funny stories about him. Listened to gushy, joking confessions of love. And all the while,I had no idea I was losing one of my best friends._

_The next day only Jordan and I showed up to Takis. I asked Jordan if he knew where you went. I knew you had been at school that day. He said you had a date. I had been excited for you, not sure why you didn't text me too, but excited._

_You didn't show the next day either. Jordan again said you had a date. When I got home, I found from Jace the date had been with him._

_The next day, I wasn't to surprised to find you wern't there. Jordan said you had a date. When I got home, you sat on my couch. You smiled and hugged me, but you and Jace didn't pay any attention to me all night._

_When I got home the next day, you hugged me and I went to my room. The next, you waved. The next, you glanced. The next, you didn't even spare me that._

_I went to Takis exactly a week after you stepped coming to find Jordan not there. Ate as usual I thought. But twenty minutes later, I got a text saying he had a date._

_This went on for three days before I stopped checking my phone when it buzzed. I knew what it said. Five days, the buzzing stopped. Seven, I went straight home._

_On this day I kinda hoped you'd asked me why I was here. I hadn't come straight home since the first day of school, even since -you- started coming straight to my home. But you didn't. It had been six months and I lost both my best friends in two weeks.'_


	4. Tape 2 Side A

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec's note: I'm glad you're still here, it would be quite unfortunate for you if you wern't. Wouldn't want your precious reputations ruined

I chug the rest of my water, my hand shaking slightly. I never expected anything like this to ever happen. Even if I had though, I don't think I ever could have imagined how hard listening to something like this could be.

I also am starting to realize how little I actually knew of Alexander Lightwood. We had begun to get close in the last few months before his death, not counting the last two-three weeks after his little brother died, and I knew nothing of these things. I knew Clary was Jace's boyfriend, I knew Jace and Alec seemed to be a bit tense around each other. But Alec had never got into it further than that.

I really had just assumed until a few hours ago that Alec hadn't been able to take his little brother's death. The little boy fell down the stairs after a party, the last time anything between Alec and I was normal, a few weeks ago and hit his head too hard on the ground. Obviously his little brother's death was probably a big factor, but apparently there were at least thirteen other reasons that didn't help anything.

I wonder how Alexander's family is taking all this. Jace and Isabelle haven't been to school since it happened. Regardless of any feelings Jace and Isabelle have, had, towards Alec.. losing two siblings within a month couldn't be easy. Maybe I'll go check on them tomorrow. But.. Jace was the first person on the tapes. He's already had them. He not only knows about them, he also knows what I did. Whatever that was.

I shake my head. Eventually possibly.. but I don't know if I can return to Alexander's house so soon. See his family, see the startling resemblance to him in Isabelle. Look at Jace, knowing the way he had treated the boy when he had been aliv-

"Excuse me sir," I jump, looking up to see the hostess, apparently the waitress too, from earlier. "Would you like anything else or maybe some more water?" I shake my head, mumbling I'm fine. She gives me one more questioning, almost concerned look. I must look like shit. Eventually she leaves though, thank God. Taking a deep breath, I look down at Raphael's Walkman. I press play on the third tape.

 _'Now Jordan.'_ So Jordan's story isn't over.  _'What did you do after you stopped coming to Takis? It's time for the rest of your story._

 _The day after the last day I went to Takis, I started seeing you around with Maia Roberts. I only say her name because you're still with her and everyone knows it. Unlike you, she is not on these tapes and has no play in this.'_ I shake my head. The amount of shade Alexander was capable of throwing was astonishing.

_'Along with Maia came a new set of friends. I was left with nobody. When there are projects, I still look from you to Clary. Except now, you're looking at Maia. Clary, at my brother._

_But that's not why you're on this list._

_Everyone remembers the big factor on these tapes, right? The one that shouldn't matter. I'm gay._

_To Jace's credit, it was not him who told the whole school.'_ Oh yes, how so very generous of him to not spread a secret that was not his to spread and that could possibly stain his and his family's reputation.

' _Exchanging secrets is something you do when you're friends, right? I told you that in confidence. As you told me the same day about- wait. You feel how your heart started to accelerate?How your breath caught in your throat for a moment? You thought I was going to tell everyone here, didn't you? You're not supposed to tell people's secrets._

_I'm not like you Jordan. And this tape is not about pety revenge. So your secret will die with me. Die with me tonight in fact._

_But why'd you do it Jordan? What did I ever do to you? You knew I didn't want people knowing that. You knew how people would look at me and that I wasn't ready to handle that._

_But I had to learn fast, as it didn't take long for the taunting to begin. Guys thought it was hilarious to whistle at me when I walked by. I don't like attention. I don't think even half of them knew my name._

_They didn't need to. I had a new name. Several actually. Fag. The gay boy. Typical immature teenager stuff. I wonder if they'll know my name now._

_Girls started asking me out. All of them very pretty, all with the ego of God. They knew. I guess they thought if I rejected them that would without a doubt confirm your words. You could see the moment they got what they wanted. Everytime I said no, something lit up in their eyes and they returned to their friends who were waiting for the news._

_I never denied it though. I didn't want people to know, but once they I didn't see a reason to lie about who I am anymore. So in a way you helped me Jordan. People started treating me like shit, I hope everyone thought you were a little bit cooler, but at least I was out of the closet.'_

So. That's who outed him. Considering I wasn't even aware it was Jordan, apparently nobody particularly cared who told but only that I was true. I too hope he got off to his sick little joke Alexander, I hope his five seconds of fame makes up for your misery in his head.

' _What I don't understand thought is how you could betray my trust like that. I... I don't know.'_ My heart breaks as the boy stutters.  _'You gave me trust issues. I haven't told secrets since.'  So that's why I didn't learn any of this till now. 'Not till now. But don't worry, not yours. Only the ones that mattered'_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alec's note: I wonder if Jordan still benefits from this as much as I would be suffering from it to this day if I was still alive


End file.
